Psst: This letter is part 2 in a series. If you’d like to read part 1 first, you can find it here: “A letter to little me”
Hey Special K,
I'm sorry it took me so long to write to you again. I think a part of me felt like the last letter set the bar and I shouldn't reach out until I could find a way to top it. Which, funnily enough, relates to something important I haven't yet shared with you.
As you grow up, you're going to be rewarded for everything you achieve.
Praised for anything that resembles "perfection".
Celebrated for your wins.
High-fived for high scores.
Basically, the world around you is going to try to tell you that you're valuable for what you do, and more specifically, for what you do WELL.
They will rarely take into consideration how hard you worked, how much of your heart you poured into something, how creative or original you were. What they will look at is the final product. How close you came to 100/100. How you stacked up against your classmates, or worse, your cousins, siblings, closest friends.
And even if they don't mean to, they will make you feel like you failed if you didn't come in first, didn't ace the exam, weren't the teacher's favourite student.
Now some people might shake it off and not take it to heart, but for most of us, it hurts. And over time, it starts to change how you feel about yourself. What I'm hoping is that this letter reaches you before that happens.
Because too many imaginative, creative, caring, sparkly, beautiful humans eventually believe that because they couldn't live up to these standards, "win" this big game, they're just not good enough. Not special. Not capable of accomplishing what they dream of.
They start to dream smaller, and eventually they stop dreaming altogether. Believing what other people say about how "You should pick a safer career"... "Choose something with guarantees"... "Be realistic"..."Don't set yourself up for disappointment."
And this makes me SO angry. Because these are all lies, Special K.
The people who say these things are the people who were told the same things when they were young. And they're the ones who gave up on their own dreams, settling for a mediocre (and soul-crushing) life. And they think they're protecting you in some way by saying these things, but they're doing the opposite.
But rather than going on an angry rant, I want to gift you with something (3 things, actually) more practical you can use to stay true to yourself and pave your own path, no matter what anyone says.
Thing 1: The beauty is in the mess.
Growing up in a world based on competition and scoring peoples' performances, it's easy to start to become scared of doing anything if it's less than perfect. But it's imperative you don't buy into this.
I know that judgement can be so painful and make you feel that everything you try to accomplish is a matter of life or death, but it's not. I promise it's not.
The more you share things with the world that came from your heart, the more you'll meet people who see the beauty in your way of doing things. You'll also come to realise that the people who don't appreciate your work are simply not your people, and not worth your time, energy or concern.
Most importantly, when you stop trying to meet other people’s standards for "excellence" and allow yourself to throw yourself into your own process, you'll tap into the creativity only you were born with, and experience the joy of creation for the sake of it.
Perfection is not what most people think it is.
They think it's about something polished to the point that you can't see any flaws... but look at the most beautiful things in nature. They are full of "flaws". They're messy, unique... and those are part of what makes them so beautiful.
If you can give yourself the chance to express yourself freely, to simply share what's inside of you without trying to smooth the edges or colour inside the lines, you will experience a kind of freedom that won't just feel good, it will also inspire others around you to try the same.
Special K, the rewards you get for being "perfect" are nothing compared to what's waiting for you on the other side of your messy brilliance.
Fall in love with the process and allow that to fill you up in a way no external validation ever will.
Thing 2: Your value is in the being, not the doing.
Something else that happens all too easily when we're focused on that validation is that we start to think that the value we contribute to the world comes directly from those accomplishments we're rewarded for.
This doesn't just get us attached to perfectionism, it can also lead us to spend our entire lives trying to be who other people want us to be.
We assume that if someone tells us we're good at something, that's what we're supposed to do with our lives.
It's not your fault that happens. We're told that if we can find something we're better at than the average person we're more likely to be safe in life. In other words, more likely to be able to pay our bills and keep a roof over our heads.
But when you get older you realise that not only does it not guarantee safety (there are SO many other things far more important than "the right career" that help us stay safe - but I’ll save that for my next letter!), it can also cost us something arguably more important... happiness.
See, if you build your whole life around something that someone else thinks you should do and then you wake up one day and realise you don't actually love it, that's when things get tricky.
Because the source of all of your validation - the confirmation that you were a good person, worthy of love and praise - came from that thing you no longer want to do. And in considering walking away from it, you're also having to face losing all of that praise too. You're giving up the very thing that helped you feel valuable.
Which brings us to the real issue (and lie): What you DO was never the thing that makes you valuable. Or special or wonderful or unique.
You were literally born valuable.
Your value comes from existing. From how you make people feel. From the unique way you see the world. The energy you contribute to it.
It doesn't change whether you're a professional performer, a personal trainer, a makeup artist, a real estate agent, or a personal branding coach. (Ahem — I may or may not be speaking from experience!)
And the sooner you realise you will be of value (because you already ARE of value) in literally ANYTHING you do, the better. Because it will open up the entire world to you and hopefully you won't doubt yourself so much when you realise a career has reached its expiry date and it's time for a change.
Thing 3: The journey is the point.
I know this is a long one today, so I'll keep this final part short.
The biggest lie we can buy into is that life is about "getting somewhere". That there is some magical destination where suddenly we experience everything we dreamed of.
Trust me as someone who has reached what she thought was her destination and came out the other side more lost & confused than ever:
The joy that comes from accomplishments is always short-lived, often disappointing, and quickly replaced with the next thing to accomplish.
And yet the joy that comes from the quest... from the mystery and not knowing, from overcoming obstacles, making new discoveries, and acquiring new friends along the way... THAT is what life is about.
It's not to discount the exciting feeling that comes from accomplishing something. But don't get those accomplishments confused with destinations. They're milestones. They're a part of the process.
And the things you will (one day!) be most proud of, are all the things that happened on the road.
Because it's on the road that you're in a constant state of growth. Becoming who you're destined to be.
So stop stressing yourself out about whether you're heading in the right direction. Because, technically, you're always heading in it, as long as you're alive.
And on that (slightly less practical than intended but hopefully still helpful in some way) note, I'll sign off for now.
Love,
Kat