Dear Katie,
KIDDING. I know you hate being called that. (Though I never figured out why... maybe because it's literally just not your name! Whoever decided “Katie” was the perfect nickname for “Katherine” deserves a stern talking to.)
I've been thinking about you a lot lately - I'll explain why in a sec - plus I've been thinking about time and how it's apparently not at all what we've been trained to think about it. Not linear, a spiral rather than a straight line, and how all the years of our lives are essentially all playing out at once.
Don't worry, I don't fully understand it either. The point is, it made me think that I should try writing to you... since there's a chance you might actually "receive" this. And even if it doesn't, maybe writing this will help me today. Because if I'm being honest, the stuff you needed back then isn't all that different from what I need now.
Yep, I'm 38 –
I know. REALLY old. Older than mum is right now. Your mum… I mean... *our* mum at the time you're reading this. Okay, no more time related content - it's hurting my head.
– meaning I'm a grown-up. Ew. And while I've done a ton of stuff you'll be pretty excited to hear about one day, I am also still figuring out a lot of stuff. Stuff that we thought we'd have sorted by now. Come to think of it, maybe part of the reason I'm wanting to write to you is to help me to see just how far I have come.
Because I tell you what, Special K (that's a nickname someone will give you when you're a bit older -- it doesn't catch on with other friends, but I still like it!) when you're in the "muck" of adult life, it's really easy to feel like you just plain old suck. That you have NOTHING figured out and are just going around in circles, a waste of space.
But some of these tough times lately have led me to reflecting on the good along with the challenging and it reminded me of just how far I've - we've - come.
…Which brings me to a lesson I hadn't planned on sharing but feels really important to do so (because it'll save you a lot of mental anguish when you get older!) and it’s that 2 things can be true at the same time.
Yep, even 2 supposedly conflicting ideas.
Like the idea that I feel like I'm letting you down because I'm not where I want to be - who I want to be - in life yet... AND the idea that I'm galaxies away from where I - we - started. Wiser, happier, safer, more self-aware, capable, courageous... the list goes on.
In other words, you can be happy and unhappy at the same time.
Grateful for what you have, while restless, craving something more.
I know that may not make much sense yet, so here's a better (or at least more relevant/timely) example:
You could be having a bad day and say something that makes your mum upset. And even though your words might have been the thing that caused her to react, her reaction isn't your fault. Her experience is her own responsibility.
Will it be helpful for you to learn how to manage your own emotions and reactions so you're less likely to say things that upset people? Absolutely.
And yet there will be times that no matter how you handle yourself, someone else will react badly to what you say (or don't say)... and that doesn't make you a bad daughter, bad sister, bad friend, bad Christian, bad human.
Now it's equally important to talk about the reverse of this: what happens when other people say things that upset you.
Firstly, there are going to be plenty of people throughout your life who say things that really hurt you. Deeply.
I wish I could protect you from that by stopping it from happening, but I can't. What I can do instead is let you in on a secret…
When someone says something mean to you - picks on you, tries to humiliate you, criticises who you are in some way - they're doing so because they want to feel different about themselves.
In other words, they think that by making you feel bad in some way, they'll feel better about themselves.
Does knowing this stop these experiences from hurting you? Not really. But it will help you to not take on what they said as truth.
In fact, something you could try is after someone is mean to you, think (or say out loud if you can build up the courage – you'll have plenty of time to practice!) "I'm really sorry that the hurt in you made you want to pass that hurt onto me."
Real talk: it's not easy to shake off something like that.
I know all too well how much you wanted the floor to open up so you could disappear forever. And so there's one more related lesson I'll leave you with for today which is this:
Feel all your feelings, fully.
I mean it. Let them all run through you. Don't be scared of them, even though they seem so strong and like they'll never go away. The ONLY way they ever go away is if you allow them in.
A heads up that your emotions may scare the people around you. Either because they've never learned to feel all their feelings or because they hate seeing you in what they think is pain.
But don't push those feelings down to protect them. It doesn't help anyone in the long run and more importantly, the longer you push your emotions down, the more it will hurt you in time – not just emotionally, but also physically. But that’s a story for another day.
What's more helpful is if you can feel your emotions as often as they come up, then come out the other side (in your own time - don’t rush it) showing everyone around you how ok - more than ok - you are. Encouraging them to feel their own emotions and to not be scared of them.
Trust me when I say that having a good, welcome cry is one of the most wonderful experiences. It's like soaking in a hot bubble bath after a tough dance class. Afterwards you'll feel cleaner, lighter, sparklier.
Special K, sparkly is your natural state. And I'm writing these letters to you because - as cheesy as I know it sounds - sparkling is your birthright.
So I’m going to do everything I can to help you hold onto that sparkle.
To step into the sunlight with it.
To never have to learn that you should be ashamed of it.
No matter what's going on around you right now, no matter what people are saying or telling you about yourself, remember this one truth: I love you, unconditionally. I always will. And you will NEVER be alone.
…I guess that’s technically 2 truths, but saying “remember these two truths” doesn’t have the same ring to it!
Until next time (oh yes, there will be plenty more where this came from!) stay sparkly.
Love, Kat
Oh yeah, I should have mentioned – we go by Kat these days. I'll tell you more about how that happened in a future (past? you know what I mean!) letter.